When I was 29 years old my father died. Four months before my 30th birthday, to be exact. He had been fighting his COPD for a long time, and been hospitalized for 3 months. So, his passing wasn’t unexpected. It was still like a part of my life had been unfairly ripped from me.
When I was 29 years old, I finally had the nerve to leave an abusive relationship. We had been married for 4 years, but had been together for 8 years. He was an alcoholic, and a narcissist. It was still like a part of my life had been ripped from me.
When I was 29 years old I had my last child. She cried and cried and was the most difficult baby I had. Being her mother made me feel out of control of my life. I felt like I couldn’t be a good mom to my other kids, because I could never predict her. I felt like a part of my life had been ripped from me.
When I was 29 years old, in an attempt to regain control of everything I was loosing, I developed eating habits that couldn’t be maintained. I went to the gym everyday. I got in killer shape. I overworked at the gym to over compensate that I was binge eating in secret. The one thing I was determined to control….I lost control of.
At 30… after the grieving, and the divorce, and my daughter calming down, and regaining 90 lbs…. I started to heal. I started to recognize that I had gone my entire adult life with unchecked anxiety. I started to recognize that all the things that I was loosing , was forcing me to gain so much more. This is more than a door closing and a window opening. This was many doors closing, being trapped in a room with my own thoughts, and clawing my way out though the wall.
At 34, I am learning to love my father in ways I never thought possible. My ex husband is not a ghost of the past, anymore. My daughter is 5, and although very strong willed….we understand each other. I have not lost the weight, but I have developed mechanisms for loving myself. I have learned to manage my anxiety. I have learned my dreams are worth chasing. The weight will go down…it will go down when I am ready. Just like every other part of me has had to heal in time.